I’m Killing Chivalry

People say “chivalry is dead”. I say “not yet, it isn’t”. In general, I’m pretty chivalrous. I always give up my seat on the T, and consistently hold the door for people. However, this weekend I made a HUGE door-holding mistake. This normally brief but friendly act turned into a carousel of horrors when I decided to let a family of four (including a baby in a carriage) enter a revolving door that I was already in. I didn’t realize that families could be exceedingly slow, and this meant that I was trapped, trapped I tell you, in a revolving door for almost five minutes. I know, I checked my phone-clock. Five minutes may not seem like a long time, but inside a glass chamber, it is an eternity. I’ve drawn a diagram to show my pain from a birds-eye-view of the incident.

chivalry lives!

five minutes later, chivalry dies. Along with my soul

That’s it. It was awful. So, now I am bent on never ruining my day by being chivalrous again. Next time on the T, I dare you to find a seat; I’ll already be sitting in it.

These Things Are Watching You

As all of my friends know, I am a huge fan of following eyes technology normally found in old paintings. Here are some things that I think could be improved if their eyes eerily followed you around the room.

A Horse

A Clam

A Potato

Correction

On the last post I said that these were spy tools I had “invented”. I apologize. I did not invent Totino’s pizza rolls. I assume Totino did.

The Clionsky Spy Kit

Spies get some pretty cool stuff, but also some pretty stupid stuff. Here’s some things I invented to carry with me if I were a spy.

The Clionsky Spy Kit

1. Binoculars That Make The Wearer Appear Closer
Oh where am I? RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU? Just kidding, I’m further away.

2. Grenade Where The Pin Explodes and The Grenade Is Just A Lime
Classic miss-direction. Pretty self-explanatory.

3. Tontino’s Pizza Rolls
It’s pretty hard to tell agency secrets IF YOUR MOUTH IS MELTED SHUT

No Tiny Bear Pets?

My apartment is cohabited by two cats named “Che” and “Mishko”. The other day I was sitting on the couch awkwardly next to Mishko, who is the real-life version of Garfield (the cat, not the president), and accidentally (on purpose) nudged him off the edge of the couch (onto a carpet, it’s not a big deal, it’s a foot off the ground and he’s a cat). He glared at me with the exact expression that seemed to say “If I were bigger than you, I would 100% drag you into a tree by your neck and eat you right now”.

That’s when it really hit me that cats are pretty much tiny tigers. I mean, I always knew this but never really thought about it. Then I remembered my mom’s terrier, who is really not so different from a tiny domesticated wolf. At this point I got very sad because I realized that we don’t have any tiny versions of bears! We have tiny wolves, tiny tigers, even tiny pigs, but there are absolutely no tiny bear pets running around being way more adorable than a tiger or a wolf.

Perhaps they are harder to domesticate. I could see how a wolf would be easer. But a TIGER? I just don’t know.

I want this so badly

I just don’t know.

                                            

Check Out The New Header

As you can see, your beloved Cliarnival has been slightly revamped. Thanks to Wm. Miles Donovan for designing the new header (about a million times better than the old one), and check out his other awesome work at his blog, The Daily Robot

Like A Candy Necklace For Dudes

Gummy Beard

                                            

Cave Paintings Are Mean

I was looking at cave paintings online recently (obviously) and came across the famous Lascaux Cave painting that shows some cave-dudes fighting a bunch of cave-deer (or potentially dinosaurs dressed up like deer). Anyways, at first I assumed that this painting was done to show how awesome the fight was, but then I noticed that it was actually just made to make fun of one cave man in particular.

This Guy Is Totally Unprepared

As you can see, all the other ones are Rambo-ing it up with their bows, and that one guy has his pointing at the ground completely arrowless. At first I thought “oh wait, he must have already shot all his other arrows arleady”. But NOPE, there are zero (0) arrows laying on the ground and exactly as many impaling deer. I bet all the other cavemen totally LOL’d over this.

That’s cave-humor for you. It’s not that great, but it’s definitely worth a cave-chuckle at least.

                                            

Noise Cancellation Headphones Ruining My Life

The other day I had the misfortune of purchasing noise cancellation headphones. I thought these would be great considering I ride the T a lot, which is exceedingly loud, and often have to turn my iPod up all the way. However, after one day of wearing these headphones I realized that i really rely on my sense of hearing as a way to both communicate with people, and avoid being killed by on coming traffic. In that one single day there were multiple instances of creating social faux pas in Starbucks by not answering a person talking directly to me and automobiles almost running me over.

Therefore, I think someone needs to create selective noise cancellation technology that can cover up the sounds of annoying things, but still allow you to be a productive member of society. I don’t know how this technology could work, but hey, that’s why I’m not a scientist.

If my previously stated arguments weren’t enough to prove why selective noise cancellation is necessary, I have also created a venn diagram for clarification.

It's all about taking opportunities and avoiding threats

                                            

Complete Wastefulness

At my work this friday, somebody brought in a box of Dunkin Donuts donut holes, or “munchkins” as they are called. As I was digging to the bottom of the box to find the jelly ones, I thought “now, isn’t this green”. With society so obsessed with recycling and not wasting anything, I was overjoyed that the center of the donuts were not going to waste.

Suddenly, with my third jelly munchkin en-route to my hips, I had an epiphany, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE AREA AROUND THE DONUTS? Sure, the Donuts themselves are being eaten, and the holes are clearly accounted for, but there is obviously waste in the form of the flat sheet fromwhich the donuts were cut. Something has to be done about this.

What's really causing global warming: The area around the donuts

Did the Native Americans not teach us to use every part of the donut? Or that we can communicate with any animal or glowing tree  by connecting the open neurons in our long ponytails to the open neurons coming out of their heads or branches? Wait. I confused something.